Brooke Hogan went on the radio to talk about all the people she doesn’t like. And then she said she loves “every black person.” Too bad one of the people she said she didn’t like was Beyonce, who happens to be black, too.

Brooke must be experiencing so much cognitive dissonance right now.

Not only is it beyond gag-inducing that Spencer Pratt interviewed his wife, Heidi Montag, for the September issue of Playboy, but what she tells him is even more ridiculous:

“You know, I was never very sexual before I met you, Spencer. I knew what sex was, but when I met you I entered into a whole new realm of understanding, from fantasy to love. Or to experience a day with 20 or 30 orgasms. Before you, sex was just something that happened. Now it’s something I look forward to every minute of the day.”

Yeah, tell me THAT wasn’t planned ahead of time. I’m sure Spencer scripted and coached that little confession.

Heidi Montag’s Playboy cover sucks. I haven’t heard anyone say anything positive about it, except for Spencer Pratt. Of course he’d be gushing over it:

“[The photos are] beautiful art. Not, like, Picasso art — real beautiful art, you know what I’m saying? … See her powerful curves. They are powerful! It’s an honor. I fee like I did something great, like I should get a trophy!”

So many things wrong with that. “Picasso art” isn’t real art? But Heidi and her fake boobs covered in dirt with a bunny scraped in the grime is real art? And she has “powerful curves”? What is their power — do they read minds or shoot bullets? And lastly, WHY would Spencer get a trophy? Did he draw the bunny? Did he stick the implants in Heidi’s formerly flat chest?

I am overwhelmed with the force of his gag-inducing stupidity.

Heidi Montag’s sister, Holly, wants you to know her sister isn’t taking it all off for Playboy.

Instead, she insists that Heidi will pose seductively… but in a classy manner:

“She’s not nude. Her Maxim cover was so gorgeous and tasteful, and I know Playboy is going to be the same. It’s really cool that she can be part of the Playboy family. I love it. I go up there all the time and play poker. I love the girls there, and it’s very cool to be a part of that legacy.” (via UsMagazine.com)

So that means we probably have more of Heidi’s kissy faces coming. Awesome.

Good thing I don’t actually read Playboy.

I’ve been presented with a reason to avoid watching the Miss Universe Pageant next month.

Heidi Montag is scheduled to sing Turn Ya Head. Nooooooo, thank you.

Listen to it below (if. you. dare.), but please keep away from animals and small children.

Even though Lauren Conrad left The Hills, it isn’t stopping anyone from asking her about Heidi and Spencer. For example, in an interview that will appear in the August issue of Harper’s Bazaar, Lauren was asked about Heidi and her Playboy posing, and Lauren slyly referred to her former friend’s fake boobs:

“They’re not going to pay for themselves…

I don’t call magazines and let them know about things so they can write stories. There was never an incentive to keep doing The Hills so I could get into Les Deux. That was never the point. It was more to create a fan base so I can go create a business and do something I really love doing… You have to laugh [at Heidi and Spencer].”

Too funny. I can’t wait to hear Heid and Spencer’s response… I’m sure it will be absolutely ridiculous and out of proportion to what Lauren said.

Heidi Montag is 22 years old, which means that her metabolism is still at its best. She could eat an elephant and not gain an ounce.

But in a typically ridiculous move, the reality star believes that releasing a workout plan would benefit the world of people who would like to lose weight. She knows so much about it, after all.

The Heidi Workout will actually be constructed by her trainer, Chad Waterbury, who created a special diet and workout regime for her. And whatever he wasn’t able to help her achieve, Heidi bought for herself (hello, boobs).

Annoyinggggggg.

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag are special people with special views. On Monday, they shared some of them on a radio show… including the idea that the attacks of September 11 were an “inside job.”

Spencer admitted, “I really do feel like we took the blue pill or whatever from The Matrix.”

But don’t worry, they’re experts about the end of the world. Heidi explained how they got that way, saying, “We’ve been nonstop researching the internet… for information for at least a month all day every day.”

Why do I keep writing about them? I think I’m stunned into doing so by their utter stupidity.

Heidi Montag has challenged us in a new single… called Trash Me. I can’t wait to see the Spencer Pratt-directed music video. Seriously, I think it will help me achieve my diet goals… the last one he “produced” definitely was nauseating. This one can only be better now that he has som experience under his belt.

This can’t quite top Heidi and Spencer’s “how to be famous” book idea, but it comes close…

Jennifer Love Hewitt is penning her own relationship advice book. Which is really rather funny when you remember how needy, clingy, and desperate people who know her say she is.

According to People.com, the actress has dated John Mayer, Carson Daly, Ross McCall, and of course is now dating the current love of her life, Jamie Kennedy. This qualifies her to give advice, she says through a public statement form her publishers:

“I thought it was time to share the real story of what I’ve learned navigating the dating waters. Hopefully, in addition to having a good laugh, women reading this will learn from some of my hard lessons.”

Yes, because Jennifer is on the other side now, right?

If for some reason you have an inclination to buy The Day I Shot Cupid, it’ll be available next March.